How Do I Feel This Sober?
by CharxJay
Summary: I'm Safe Up High, No One Can Touch Me. How Do I Feel This Good Sober? ; Nobody Knows, Nobody Knows But Me That I Sometimes Cry. (Double Shot)
1. Sober

He was living his dream job, touring the world with his friends and entertaining a job of people with his talent. But, things happen, and friends stop talking to you. Especially, when you call them late at night to pick you up. It was after months of this behaviour when his friends stopped picking up the phone at four o'clock in the morning. Because they knew what was on the other end of that call, a drunk and high Austin begging for them to pick him up from the bar or place he was partying at. It had become to much for them because it would just happen again. A different friend each night to pick him up, until they decided not unless he can sort himself out. But that call wasn't ever going to come. The gang knew that, and so did the performer. Deep down, he knew he would never give that call. He liked the high of the drugs he would get, it would take away the pain he was feeling, the pain he kept hidden from the world. Sometimes he washes it all down with half a bottle of Jack.

But now, it was four in the morning, again. The party was still raging on back at the club Austin had walked himself out off. He was high, but something felt off, like the party is over, like he was losing it's protection it gave him, or was it the memory of his friends shutting him out until he was going to be sober. He would say it was the memory, because now his legs where taking him to the payphone. He did want to get sober, because he _didn't_ want to be this call. He wanted to be able to be with his friends because being alone sucks and he hates it. Realization that this is not how he wants to go had came to him the night before when he had called one of his friends, only to have silence. It felt cold, and hurt him more then he would like to admit. And he _did_ try to go sober, but he couldn't do it. The night and pills called out to him, called for him to come out play with them and he did. Maybe the reason he didn't want to stop before was because he never knew how to feel this way, while being sober. And being sober and having the pain come back made him want to go back out into the night. And that's what he did, night after night.

He is _trying_ to find a way to be sober. But it's hard, and he knows he's the only he has to blame for any of this. Running his hand through his hair, and over his face he fumbled in his pocket for some change to put in the phone so he could call a friend. It was getting frustrating as the coins wouldn't go in right away and Austin hit the machine before he continued and dialled one of his friend's numbers. He waited for a few rings, trying not to break down as they didn't seem to be picking up. It was silent outside, the sound of the party silenced by the glass case. It was nagging at him as the only sound playing to him was his breathing and the ringing. Maybe they knew who it was going to be and decided to ignore him, he wouldn't blame them. Not after what's his done to them. He was about to hang up when the ringing stopped and he could hear a groggy "Who's this?"

Austin can't remember the last time he has heard their voice and a sob left him. "I…I can't do this any more. I want to get better, please, I swear I do. I miss you and everyone. Please, t-this will be the last time I will ever call you like this. Please, please come get me. I…I want to get sober." He pleaded, voice breaking. He could just barely hear them reply with " _Okay, Austin, just tell me where you are and I'll come and get you."_ Austin told them what he could remember, leaning his head back against the cold glass. " _I'll be there as quick as I can, just stay where you are. Okay. We will all help you."_ and with that the phone sent silent sending Austin to the breaking point he has been trying to avoid with all these highs. Sliding himself down the wall, he pulled his legs into his chest and started crying as he waited to be picked up so that he could start himself over again. He hated this, hated feeling like this. The only sound to be heard now was the sound of him crying echoing off the glass and it was scaring him. He had finally become undone by the things that were keeping him safe from this.


	2. Nobody Knows

Keys, that is what she needed. A small sigh left her lips as she picked them up from table by her door. Slipping on her jacket she walked herself to her car, it was four thirty in the morning and she was going to pick _him_ up from where he said he was. She knew that he was serious about getting clean, he had sound like he was on the verge of tears on the phone. Before she left to get his drunken ass for the last time, she sent out a mass text to everyone. To all those that still had hope that he would make the call that he did finally make not so long ago. It wasn't many, but it was enough. At least she hoped it would be. The car ride to find him was dull, she hadn't turned on the radio.

It wasn't hard to find him, he still in the phone booth. A frown placed on the brunette's lips as she walked up to him, noting that he had in fact been crying but she didn't say anything about it, she just helped him up and brought him to her car. He was like a child in the passenger's side, needing help with clipping in his seat belt. But it wasn't new to her, but it was the last time. Austin didn't speak a word, in fact he fell asleep in the car, his head resting against the cold window as a few light snores emitted from his lips.

Getting him in the house, now almost over a year ago it would have been a hard task for the petite brunette to do but now, with months of practice it was easier then the first time. She ignored the mumbles that fell from the form she was helping to her guest bedroom. Turning the light on, she placed him onto the bed, taking off his shoes and jersey before pulling the blanket over on top of him and tucking him in. Placing a kiss to his forehead, she brushed back some of his blond hair. "I hope to god that this was really the last time Austin, your parents and Dez are coming here tomorrow." She whispered as she walked out, turning out the light and walking to her own bed to go to sleep.

A small groan left his lips as he woke up, he rubbed at his eyes, god he had a headache. Letting out a sigh as he sat up he realised whose room it was, and the memories of last night came flooding into his mind. He could already feel the effect of the drugs wearing off, but he knows he isn't allowed to, that he wont allow himself to have more. Not after what he promised and pleaded last night. "A-Ally?" He called out, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. He picked up his shoes off the ground and his jersey, pulling it on.

"I am in the lounge Austin, as well as some others." Came Ally's voice back, and Austin had a feeling he knew who it was going to be. Slowly, he took himself into the lounge. Once he walked in he saw his parents and Dez, and his eyes went to the ground as he went and took the seat that no one would be able to sit next to him on. A few seconds later, he felt a hand on his shoulder and a cup came into his view. "Here, drink this Austin." Ally spoke as he took the cup into his hands and he took a small sip of the hot content within the cup.

"Can you tell us _why_ you did this? This drinking? This doing drugs?" His mother's voice asked softly as she came and knelled in front of her son, trying to look into his eyes. Eyes that started to fill with sadness and disappointment. Disappointment filled his eyes because he knows that he has hurt the ones that he cares about the most in the process of keeping his little secret of how he's felt in side. Of how before all the drinking and drugs, he would at nights cry himself to sleep. Of how he just didn't feel right any more.

Taking in a deep breath Austin started to speak. "Nobody knows how I felt, I didn't want to tell anyone how I felt inside, then I found that they, they took them away. Those feelings within me. They made me happy, they made me feel so good about myself. I would get, dark and bad thoughts about myself. I hated myself but when I was high or drunk, I didn't, those feelings faded and I was protected from them. I'm feeling that way now, I.. I don't like doing this, this breathing all the time. Not when I know there are people who wont like me for me." There were tears in eyes as he spoke, his breath now shaky. Yes he knew that not everyone would like him, but that didn't stop the unwanted feeling he would get every time he would see one of those hateful. "I get really bad at times. But, I know know I shouldn't rely on them, not if they are going to kick you guys out of my life instead. That would just make me feel worse about it, make the feelings worse, I know it would." It did.

"We are here for you Austin, and we will be here for you _every_ step of the way. We promise."


End file.
